|
|
Humans Hate Green
Chapter One
I don't really know what I felt that day when I offered him the spare bedroom. Maybe I was beginning to get lonely, after all, I'd lived with Duo for quite a while after the war. Maybe I was just trying to do what I thought a normal human being would do, or maybe I was hoping for something more like a real friendship. Whatever it was, I was afraid I was going to regret it and it really took me by surprise when I realised after a month that I had no regrets at all. Trowa was a nice roommate to live with and we got along just fine.
Trowa wasn't bad company; he didn't ask questions I really didn't want to answer, he cleaned up his own mess and he knew how to cook some things I had never even heard of. I was not a bad cook myself, but I had been doing it more out of necessity than anything else. Trowa, on the other hand, pretty much seemed to enjoy cooking, especially with some soft background music.
That was one thing he did; he brought music into the house and I found myself not minding it at all. His taste went in the more classical direction, but yet not too classical, and I loved the relaxing effect that music seemed to have on me. Only once did I hear him play his flute. He had seemed a bit off that evening at dinner. I went out for some errands I had to run but I don't think he heard me coming back. When I entered the apartment I hear music coming from his room. I dropped the bag I was carrying and walked up to his door and just listened at the sad tune Trowa was playing. And though I have never been good with music, I just felt that he was putting all his emotions into whatever song he was playing. Not wanting to intrude his private space –we both savoured that a lot– I just decided to start putting away the groceries I had just bought. When I accidentally dropped a can of beans the music stopped abruptly and trough gritted teeth I swore at myself for making a sound.
The job at the school was okay. Some girls took liking in me and the first week questions like whether or not I was single and what my favourite music or movie was came by me dozens of times. I didn't tell them that the only 'real' relationship I'd ever been in had been with a guy. Simply because I felt it was non of their business. It was not as if I wanted any of them, the eldest students were about 4 years younger than I was and I preferred someone a little closer to my age. To me, they were just teenagers while I had outgrown that past a long time ago.
Trowa seemed to enjoy his job as well. After the war, the circus had been more than just a place to be whenever he wasn't needed to fight. It had become his home and entertaining people had been his job. He had two colleagues who worked him in and from what I saw and heard they got around very well. Trowa had invited them over for dinner once as they had done to him. Milly and Daniel were really nice people and they informed me that though most clowns in the clown care unit had to tell jokes and act funny to make the kids laugh and relax and forget about their problems, with Trowa a silent look seemed to be enough to reassure the children that everything was okay and that not a thousand monsters could harm them as long as he was there. He put that same magic in his music and every time he played on his flute, no matter how happy the song he played, they always left little ones with smiles on their faces. They assured me that Trowa was absolutely perfect for this job and that he would have no problems finishing his training.
Trowa never told me that, all he did tell me was the children he met and why they were in the hospital and what they looked like, sometimes even how he felt sad for them. I don't know how much he was allowed to tell me, but whatever was said in the apartment, stayed in the apartment. That had been a silent agreement we had made and thus could he tell me anything. Some of the children he described just reminded me of the war. I had seen enough blood and dead people back then, but yet hearing him talk about these children made me want to vomit. 'Children shouldn't be forced to deal with incurable illnesses and death at that age' the one who had been a mercenary since his early childhood told me and I completely agreed with him on that one.
I, on my turn, told him some details about my job. He had to laugh when I first told him that I had received an anonymous love letter. Confused as I had been when I read the text, I could laugh about it too once I'd told Trowa and I even ended up buying him dinner to 'celebrate' the first love letter I had ever received.
Christmas was coming and so were the holidays. For me they were at least. Trowa got extra busy those last two weeks of December, six days a week instead of four and he was only allowed December 31st and January 1st off. Christmas fell on a Friday this year and he would have to work until five o'clock that day so that the children at the hospitals could be entertained with the holidays as well. It did give him some extra money, but still my Christmas felt pretty lonely and I was glad when he returned home and started working on the more difficult stuff for that night's dinner, for I was doing the easy food.
After dinner we spent the evening together watching some movies I had rented but I had to drink the beer alone and Trowa went to bed early because the next morning he'd have to get up in time for work again. He apologised for it but I said I understood and didn't mind at all. Yet, soon after Trowa retired, I found loneliness approaching me and I left the warm living room and the sound of the TV for a cold bed and the sound of rain splashing on my window, longing for that warmth I had seen in the movies that was supposed to come with Christmas.
Old years eve was a bit better. We went out that night to a bar and got really drunk. I don't remember how we got back to the apartment that night, but I do know I woke up on the floor of the living room with a headache that was not likely to go away anytime soon. I got up to get myself some water to see if it could reduce the headache a bit. I never used any drugs unless my life was in danger. J had used them on me too often when he was training me to become the perfect soldier, a nickname I despised more than any other nickname Duo ever could come up with.
Anyway, when I got up from my not so comfortable spot on the floor I saw Trowa sprawled out on the couch, drooling, his hair all messed up. Oh well, at least I wouldn't be the only one with a hangover this morning.
In the past, Quatre had held his annual get-togethers somewhere around these holidays, but this year no invitation arrived at my apartment. The Winner corporation's president had asked me when would be good for me but when I informed him of Trowa being my roommate he had started acting weird and ended up saying that he was very busy this time and wasn't sure whether or not this year's get-together could be realised. I figured it couldn't be because I never got that invitation, until Wufei asked me why Trowa and I hadn't been able to make it.
When I told Trowa about this he briefly explained a thing or two to me. I learned that he had left the circus before to be with Quatre. He said he hadn't wanted anybody to know and even though Quatre disagreed with this, he had accepted this one sacrifice to be with his lover. But things got more serious and Quatre started feeling the need to tell people and show it to them. while Trowa on the other hand grew more and more insecure by Quatre's possessiveness over him. He started feeling locked up and that thought scared him. He didn't want to give up his freedom for love and he didn't feel ready for a serious relationship yet so he escaped back to the circus without as much as a note to Quatre, explaining why. He told me he Quatre had visited the circus and they had talked things out. Quatre hadn't seemed very happy with the result of that conversation, but he said he understood and then left. After that they spoke less than they had before but at least they spoke now and then. Why Quatre hadn't invited them over even Trowa didn't understand, but he hadn't been in contact with the blonde ex-pilot ever since he had informed him he was leaving the circus and didn't know where he was going to.
I hadn't been in a serious relationship since Duo. I'd had some boyfriends and girlfriends, but most of them didn't even last a week. The longest had lasted 3 weeks and that was because she had been on vacation half that time.
It was on a cold night somewhere around the midterms when I met this girl named Ellie whom I ended up falling in love with. It was freezing outside and some parts of the roads and the sidewalks were dangerously slippery. I was at a bar I had gone to with some colleagues to just have a guys-night out. The others had already left because they had to get up early the next day to invigilate the students.
I was just finishing my beer when a woman my age slipped and fell on the sidewalk and some by passers picked her up and brought her into the bar to take care of her wounds. I offered her a hand in bandaging the cut on the leg and her arm that was at least bruised if not broken, and even though I was slightly drunk my inner pilot managed to bandage her up just fine. In the meantime I bought her a drink to calm down for she looked pretty stressed and then offered to walk her home to make sure she would be alright with that leg. She warned me that normally she wouldn't go with strangers she just met, especially not with strangers who were obviously drunk –was it really that obvious? She said that this was a one-time exception because she was half-invalided now but that I didn't have to try anything with her because she knew self-defence and if that didn't work she had a pretty good voice and wasn't afraid to use it.
I found this pretty funny but decided not to show that fact and just offered her a hand as she tried to stand on her leg. We didn't talk much on the way back home but once we were there she started apologising for being so stressed while I was only trying to be helpful. I just shrugged it away, telling her that she was right not to let men take advantage of her and that everybody had a bad day once in awhile and that I really didn't mind. We said goodnight and I advised her to see a doctor in the morning and then I left for home.
Less than two weeks later, at a Saturday, we met again at the grocery store. She was reaching for something that stood on the upper shelf but with her 1.60m she just couldn't reach it. Beside that she was holding a heavy looking bag of cat-food in her hand. I watched the slender brown-haired girl for a moment wondering where I had seen her before, already predicting the outcome of her action and when she did fall backwards, I was right there to catch her. She thanked me for catching her and apologised about a dozen times until she recognised me. I had figured out who she was again when I saw her arm had been treated for being broken. The reason I hadn't recognised her right away was because she wasn't wearing her glasses this time as she had that night she fell. I reached for the object she had been trying to get from the upper shelf and when I offered it to her I invited her for a drink. I had an hour left before I had to go home and prepare dinner for Trowa and me as I always did on Saturdays when he had to work.
We were near the bar where we'd first met and thus that was where I decided to take her. There we properly introduced ourselves and talked a bit while complaining about the horrible cappuccino they served here. She was a year younger than me and was a university student and in her first year. She told me she did something biological and wanted to end up doing field research. The reason she wasn't wearing her glasses was because she had broken the frame when she fell. She had wanted to take lenses anyway and that fall provided her with the perfect opportunity to do so. I was quite happy with that, for now I got the chance to see those beautiful brown eyes that matched the colour of her hair perfectly.
I on my turn told Ellie a thing or two about my life as well. Throughout the years I had learned how to introduce myself in a situation as this. I just let the conversation come and ended up telling her about not having any parents. Of course I didn't tell her about Odin or doctor J or being an ex-pilot. I had been too young in the war to be a pilot for oz and even if I told her the full truth, which you don't do on your first 'date', she wouldn't believe me. I also told her where I lived and that I had a roommate. I told her almost nothing about Trowa simply because I figured it was none of her business yet.
Then I decided to check the time and I jumped up as I realised how long we'd been sitting here.
"I'm sorry, I have to go back. My roommate will be back soon and I'm supposed to make us dinner on Saturdays."
She got up as well and smiled at me. "Yeah, I got some studying to do myself." We grabbed our bags and walked out of the bar. Once outside we had to go separate ways but when I turned to leave she asked me "Will I see you again?"
We'd had a good time together so far and I decided I was willing to give it a try. We decided to meet next Saturday at the bar to drink another horrible cappuccino same time we did today.
When I got home Trowa was already there and busy preparing dinner. I apologised for being late but when I explained I'd met a girl and took her for a drink he just laughed. "In that case don't mind me."
I hardly ever saw or heard Trowa about his 'love life' but I did know he had figured out that unlike me he was gay and not bi. I knew he'd had several one-night-stands but only a few of those boys had he brought to our apartment. One of the people he had brought had been a young blonde boy who reminded me in every way possible of Quatre. He hadn't looked like a man though and I'd guessed he was 17, maybe 18 years old. When he left the apartment, I heard Trowa promising to call him, but the moment the door was closed I realised he never would. One look at his face told me that sex had simply been horrible that night. Now it was my turn to try not to laugh as he fell back down in the comfy chair with the remote control in one hand and tried to find something interesting to watch.
I'd decided to take my shot here. "You're not going call him." I'd stated.
"Not even if we were the last two beings alive." He'd replied.
Ellie and I kissed at our third meeting and that was when we decided to officially be a couple. We went out a couple of times and after a few weeks I decided to introduce her to Trowa so I invited her over on a Sunday in march. Trowa, being the better cook, agreed with this as long as he got to make dinner. Though I wanted to impress her myself, he told me to look at it as his way of asking her approval for being a roommate to her boyfriend. Eventually I complied. I did warn him not to make anything fancy because I wasn't sure what she would like. Trowa ended up making spaghetti for the three of us and Ellie told us over and over again that it was delicious and that she just had to have that recipe.
That evening when I brought her home it started raining all of a sudden. We ran the last distance to her home and there she invited me in to wait until the rain had stopped. But the rain didn't stop so I stayed over that night and we made love for the first time. We hadn't had sex before simply because she didn't want to yet, but the waiting was only rewarded, for that night was way above my expectations. I was late for work the next day, though but I really couldn't care less.
My relationship with Ellie went up for the next few months. She made me feel safe and wanted and I loved her so much. I loved the way she could talk about the things she liked, I loved the silences between us where we would just cuddle up to each other and do nothing but enjoy the other person's warmth. I liked her friends as well and though her mother reminded me of Duo with her constant babbling I was fond of her family as well. She had a sister who was a few years older than she was but they were really good friends and we often double dated with her and her fiancé.
Things were really going great for us; we spent as much time together as possible and we loved every second of it. I felt like I could really tell her everything and so after a few months when we were discussing previous boyfriends/girlfriends I even dared telling her that I had been in a relationship with a boy before. She reacted pretty normal to this new information and I felt like I had done the right thing by telling her this.
Trowa and I were on acceptable terms too. We didn't see each other much lately because I spent so much time with Ellie, but Trowa never complained. He spoke less about his work, though but I was too busy with Ellie to see that. However, when he did speak about it I tried to listen, but most of the time I couldn't remember what he'd said the next morning.
Summer came and Ellie and I became a little more distant. We had spent so much time together these past few months that we both needed some time to ourselves. We didn't stop seeing each other, though; we just saw each other less. Summer vacation was coming up for both of us and we had decided not to go on vacation together because we both figured it was too soon.
Trowa graduated from his clown care training and we were invited by Wufei to spend a few weeks at his place on the colony he lived on. We both took the invitation and that resulted in three very nice weeks at Wufei's place. Neither of us had seen Wufei for over a year, but when we met it was just as it had been the last time we were together, only without Duo and Quatre. But Trowa and Wufei didn't seem to mind that much and neither did I.
Trowa and I arrived back on earth a day early because otherwise Trowa would have to start work the day after our return. Now he had a day extra to unpack and rest to get ready. The next day I decided to leave Trowa alone to rest and I went to Ellie to surprise her with my early return. When she opened the door she had a towel wrapped around her body. I wondered why she would be showering at four in the afternoon, but soon enough I found out as a half-naked man appeared behind her. I recognised him as her sister's fiancé, but was too shocked to care. It was obvious what she had been doing around my back. She apologised to me and said something like that she could never be with a guy who 'swings both ways' because she could never be sure I wasn't imagining a man when we had sex or were just together and that idea was just disgusting to her. I just turned around and walked away, no longer paying attention to the world around me.
The girl I'd cared for in a way I had only dared to care once before cheated on me. At first I couldn't believe this was happening to me, but I kept seeing her and him together and I realised it had been so. I had thought she didn't care that I had been with a man before; I had thought she understood that I was with her now and didn't want to be with anyone else. I didn't imagine any boys when I was with her and I thought she understood that, but apparently she did not. Then it dawned on me that it was right after I told he about Duo that she decided we needed to slow things down. I felt stupid for not realising that before, maybe if I had seen it I could've done something about it.
But then anger dwelled up inside of me. She should have told me. She could have told me and we would have talked about it and I would've made her see that she was the only one for me. But this was just unfair. She never even gave me a chance to prove myself to her!
I had no idea how long I had been wandering outside or where I had been to, but I figured it had been hours since it was starting to get dark outside. It had to be at least nine o'clock and I hadn't even eaten. But I didn't care about any of this. I went home with the thought that Trowa had counted on me with dinner and I never showed up, but he didn't care at all. He sat me down on the couch and asked if I still wanted to eat, but I refused. I wasn't hungry or thirsty. I didn't know what I was feeling, but I just wanted to lay down and sleep for the rest of my life. I didn't tell him this, I don't recall saying much that night, but he just sat by me and a not uncomfortable silence fell between us. However, I couldn't deal with the silence this time and broke it soon enough.
"...We broke up." Was all I managed to say.
Trowa took care of me that evening. He made me eat something, drink something and he let me talk. Not that there was much to say, just that she cheated on me and I didn't understand it. He stayed with me the whole evening but it was around midnight that I remembered he had to get up early the next day.
"You'd better go to bed. I'll be fine and you got to work tomorrow."
But he shook his head and stayed right where he was. "I'll call in sick." He explained.
I grunted. "Yeah right, like you're ever sick."
But he still wouldn't have any of it. He was determined to stay up as long as I needed him. "You know that, I know that, but at work they don't."
To be completely honest I liked the idea of not being alone tomorrow. Still I knew I couldn't just let him do this. That was when I realised I had not been there for him much lately. I had barely listened to anything he had to say about his work and all I had been talking about for months was Ellie. Yet he was here now, with me, letting me talk to him, be with him as much as I needed it. I didn't understand. Why was he here when I had practically neglected him before?
"Why?" I asked him, knowing he understood what I meant and his answer surprised me.
"Because that's what friends do for each other."
Friends... was that what we were now? With all my heart I hoped so, for I could sure use a friend right now. Being alone was not something I had enjoyed very much and even the silent and reserved Trowa made life just that much more interesting
And that is how we ended up being friends.
~T. B. C.~