|
|
Humans Hate Green
Chapter Two
Getting over Ellie was hard, but it went easier than it had been with Duo. Maybe that was because I had known Duo longer or maybe it was because I felt more guilt with Duo, but I know I also owed Trowa a great deal. Unlike when I broke up with the braided ex-pilot, I was not alone this time and though I didn’t talk about it much, just knowing that Trowa was there, that he knew and that I was not alone seemed to help me get over a relationship that had felt so right to me.
It was a good thing for me that it was summer vacation. By the time I had to go back to work, I was capable of dealing with people again. I easily slipped on the mask I still wore everyday. It wasn’t as tight as it used to be, but it was a mask nonetheless, a mask I had only dared to take off around Duo and later Ellie, but in that vacation I had learned that I could take it off for Trowa as well, at least part of it.
The first few weeks of dealing with colleagues and teenagers were nevertheless pretty hard for me and I was glad when I was able to go home at 4.30 in the afternoon. On the days Trowa was there I was glad to know I would not be alone, and on the days he was working I was glad for the few hours I had to myself before he came back again.
I soon realised I was beginning to look forward to seeing Trowa in the evenings. In my months with Ellie I had been too preoccupied with her to think about Trowa and his work and I only half listened to his stories most of the time and rarely spoke of anything other than Ellie to him. Now I realised I actually enjoyed his stories about his work as I listened to his words and how they were spoken with a certain enthusiasm.
Trowa really loved his job because for the first time he felt like he was doing more than just saving innocents and make them laugh. The children he visited were innocent, that they were, but they would not be saved by his presence. They were often too ill to be cured and now I realised that what he loved most about his job is knowing he actually helped individuals by taking their minds off their cruel fates.
For the first time I really saw what Trowa was saying as he often got a certain look in his eyes, a look I knew all too well. It was the look that said he would do anything if he could only take the place of one of these children so they could have the life they deserved.
Trowa liked going out at night, nothing fancy, just for a beer or two. Leave at nine and be back before eleven. I was not such a fan of doing that but since Ellie and I broke up I found myself offering to go more often. Trowa went out at least three times a week and at least twice a week did I join him now.
It was usually in the pubs where we had the better conversations. Neither of us was one to talk a lot, especially not about anything that had a meaning, but after some alcohol it occurred now and then that one of us started talking about something real. It was those days that we didn’t get home until one o’clock, even if we both had to work the next day.
On one of these nights, we both were a little more than just tipsy and luckily neither of us had to work the next day, we stayed in the pub until it closed. After that both of us decided we didn’t want to go home yet so we started walking and ended up in the park. We sat down in the middle of a lawn and just relaxed there, me against a tree and Trowa next to me. And though it was the middle of the night, I allowed my fantasy to see the grass as green as it had been on that summer’s day when I met that little girl and her dog. I recalled the event, how she had asked me if I were lost, how I had answered I had been lost since the day I was born and how she had countered with the fact that she wasn’t lost, just walking her dog.
My thoughts were interrupted by a voice next to me.
“I used to think outer space had to be better than the earth. But really, it’s not.”
I glanced at the figure next to me and in the darkness I could barely make out Trowa’s silhouette lying on his back, his hands forming a pillow for his head, staring at the stars in the sky, for the night was pretty clear today.
“If outer space were uninhabited, it would indeed have been a better place, but now that there are humans there are emotions. There is hate, anger and fear and those three only lead to one thing.”
He didn’t have to say what it lead to, for we both knew that one very well. We had lived it both as soldiers while we were only kids. What difference can one child make, what difference can five make?
“One little stone is enough to cause ripples in a pond.”
I glanced up at the sky just in time to see the moon being blocked from our view by a wandering cloud. I leaned back against the tree and fixed my gaze on one of the leaves I knew that had to be there in the dark mass of blackness. It was fall and I knew that meant the leaves had to be brownish by now, but I favoured the idea of them being green so I pictured them as thus while I waited for Trowa to continue.
“They used to accuse me of not being human.” It was obvious to me who ‘they’ were. “I countered by telling them they were right. I’ve been a soldier from the day I was born.”
I smiled at his memory and decided to share one of my own. “I don’t know how long I’ve been a soldier,” I told him. “But a little girl once asked me if I was lost. I’ve been lost all my life.”
Now it was his turn for a sad smile. I didn’t see it, but I knew him enough to know it was there. “How did you answer her?” He asked me and I chuckled at the irony when I realised how I had done that.
I pushed myself away from the tree and on my side, resting my right elbow on the grass and my head on my right hand so that I faced Trowa. “I killed her.”
I was now close enough to see his features in the darkness and I saw one eyebrow raising. I wondered if he was raising the other one as well, for I couldn’t see with the hair blocking the view. But soon enough he seemed to understand what I meant and his eyebrow went back into place again.
“So even the perfect soldier makes mistakes.”
His voice seemed but a whisper as a gust of wind messed up my already stubborn hair. I watched as for a second his hair sailed on the wind and revealed that second eye. A petal landed on his mouth, but he seemed too relaxed with his hands supporting his head that I saved him the trouble of removing it. I brought my lips closer to his and blew the oval shape away, revealing the dark flesh beneath it. My lips automatically concentrated on his, but I kept distance as I spoke.
“I’ve never been perfect,” I whispered back as I studied his visible eye, “only human.” I slowly brought my finger to his lip and traced downwards from there on, ever so slowly. My flesh roamed over his chin towards his throat and by the time it reached his chest, my lips had finally found his. I closed my eyes as I tried to taste the softness I had felt before and was satisfied when I found his head turn slightly to accept my quest. A second seemed like an eternity and when I felt hot breath on my cheek, I slowly drew back and opened my eyes once again.
Our lips had barely touched, but he had not pushed me away. He looked at me, not quite sure what was going on, but he made no attempt to stop it, even as my left hand roamed lower and lower. It made a few circles on his stomach but soon reached his jeans and I found that he wore no belt. He always took that off after dinner, as if he had eaten too much.
My eyes stayed transfixed on his as my fingertips slipped in his pants. He wore silk underwear and I brushed it for a moment, seeing no change in his expression. His breathing fastened slightly as I tried to keep mine under control, but his hot breath distracted me. My eyes seemed to drown in those dark orbs beneath my own shadow and I wanted him with all my body as he lay there unmoving, allowing me to do as I pleased.
All of a sudden his face was
covered in a bright light and we both squeezed out eyes, not ready for the
abrupt change. Trowa shot up and I backed away from him, trying to burry my eyes
in my shoulder for protection. I quickly withdrew my hand as I realised where I
had left it and tried to keep my blushing face straight.
“What the hell are you two doing here?” A gruff voice said. Neither of us answered the voice fast enough and the voice continued. “You’re not allowed in the park after midnight. Show some ID.”
When my eyes were finally somewhat used to the lights I stared up at where the voice had come from, only to see two policemen towering above us. Trowa had seen them by now as well and was slowly rising. I followed his example. He searched for the pockets his pants didn’t have and then checked his jacket.
“I don’t carry an ID.” He stated. Unfortunately I had to state the same thing, I rarely took it with me.
“You are obligated to carry an ID, you know that?” We both knew that, yes. I didn’t know about Trowa but I just had never really given it a thought.
The officer holding the flashlight informed us that they had to search us. I knew Trowa was wondering the same thing as I was, but we figured it would only make things worse for us if we resisted. They were the authority here, the war was over, they were just trying to keep the streets safe these days. So we put our hands behind our heads as they searched us for drugs or weapons or other illegal stuff. All they found was a cell phone, leys to the apartment and Trowa’s wallet with some money.
The policemen told us that they had to take us to the station to fill in a form for not carrying any ID. They told us they would fine us a penalty of 75$ -50$ for not carrying an ID and 25$ for entrance to the park after midnight- each if this turned out to be our first time.
They didn’t handcuff us or anything, apparently we looked like normal young men who had just been acting a bit careless. We were a bit drunk after all. They drove us to the police station where we had to fill in a form with some data like name and address. First they entered Trowa’s form in the computer, for he was the first one done. When they started doing mine they gave me a weird look.
“Heero Yuy?” I nodded. That was my name, or at least the one under which I was registered. Luckily the computer confirmed this and we were brought home by the same policemen who had ‘arrested’ us in the first place.
It was almost five o’clock in the morning once we came home and we were both very tired then. The alcohol was taking its toll as a headache came up. Trowa went straight to bed, but I decided to drink some water. After all, the headache was the cause of the alcohol messing with the water in my body. I quickly drank two glasses and then I turned out the lights before I, too, went to bed.
~*~
When I woke up 8 hours later and glanced at the alarm clock I was wondering why I had been asleep for so long. But then I remembered I hadn’t slept any more than the eight hours I normally slept, because I hadn’t been in bed until early that morning.
I used to hate those first three seconds of waking up where you don’t remember a thing, I felt weak at such point. If there were any kind of danger three seconds could be too long. But that day I loved not remembering. Because when I did remember what had happened the night before, my headache increased big time. There was no way I could have done that! No way I kissed Trowa and no way I let my hand go... where I remembered it going.
No way.
But then there was that annoying little voice telling me ‘yes way’. And it was also telling me that I’d liked it. I’d liked being there with Trowa, I’d liked talking to him, I’d liked touching him. But how much of that had I really liked? How much was just caused by the alcohol? I mean, I knew I wasn’t in love with Trowa or anything. Could yesterday –this morning– just be an experiment between friends? And why hadn’t Trowa pulled away? His eyes had captured mine, why?
All these questions I asked myself as I got myself cleaned and dressed. Trowa wasn’t up yet, he was not an early riser if he didn’t have to be one and right now I was quite glad about that. I didn’t feel like facing him just yet.
Not able to stand the apartment and his scent anymore, I left the building to take a walk. It was a cold Saturday in the fall, the apartment was close to the mall so the streets were filled with people walking, driving, shouting and just being plain agitated. I always found Saturdays a hell to be shopping, but today I really couldn’t stand all the noise. I had to go someplace silent, someplace I could think.
I was about to turn on my heels when a certain image caught my attention. For a moment I thought I had to be mistaken, but curiosity got the better of me so I made my way to the electronics shop on my right and stared at the television in the show-window. Yes, there it was again, that heart shaped face, those almost feminine, violet eyes that could pierce your soul when making love, real love. That thick braid that swayed so beautifully behind him, tapping his butt with every step he set, leaving you wishing it was your hand attached to that tip, touching him.
And then his name came in view, the mere sound of it taking me back to reality. In bright red letters the sound got shape. Duo Maxwell, member of the cast of a new movie, ‘Raging Fire’. I’d never heard of the movie, but I hardly watched them anyway.
I stood there frozen on that spot even as the next commercial came, but I didn’t register it. My ex-lover played in a movie? I couldn’t believe he made it that far. I knew it had been his dream to do something with the media, but this far?
Trowa forgotten, I turned back home and went straight for my computer. I knew that soon after the war, Duo had sought for a job where he could do what he did best. He’d found a job as a voice actor, but I never knew he was also in the real acting business. The role he had now was not the leading role, but a big one nevertheless. He played the assistant of the main character. The movie came out only three day ago, but already did it get some good reviews. Rumours said that Duo was sure to be nominated for upcoming talents!
The computer showed me much more than what I would’ve guessed on my own. Apparently Duo had started figuring in movies only moths after we broke up and he had been discovered by a scouting agent and had gotten a scholarship to study the art of acting. He had played some minor roles in several movies and he even had his own fan club!
It was rumoured that Maxwell had been a gundam pilot, but that fact was driven to the background because it made humans remember too many bad pictures. It had always been like that. People weren’t really afraid of the gundam pilots, but they weren’t interested in them either. They were no longer of importance to the people who’d rather forget about the war and the losses it brought. Being a gundam pilot was not a crime, but not something to be proud of either. So all five of us had decided to keep things quiet for the outside world. What they didn’t know, couldn’t harm us.
When I came to the information about Duo’s secrecy about his past and his private life and the fact that he had been spotted with both boys and girls, I made sure my name or description was nowhere mentioned. Luckily, I wasn’t.
I didn’t know why I was so interested in all this information or where I wanted to go with it, but I felt like I deserved to know. Maybe I felt a bit disappointed that Duo hadn’t told me anything about his career, not even a little mail with the fact that he made it onto the white screen. Yes, I was definitely disappointed, but I was never going to admit it..
I’d been searching for hours when Trowa called me for dinner and within a second, my mind switched from one subject to another. Thoughts of Duo were pushed to the background. I was now facing Trowa again, the boy I’d...
I sighed and walked out of my room, dreading that meal even though only then I noticed how hungry I really was.
Neither of us brought up the subject of last night, in fact, we barely spoke at all. This wasn’t really new to us either as we could both enjoy silence, but the slight tension that hung in the air was uncommon. When one asked an innocent question, the other had answered it before it was fully voiced and that only brought more silence into the room while I was pondering whether to bring up the subject or not. But I already knew I would wait. My people skills may have improved, but that didn’t make situations as these any easier.
After dinner, Trowa disappeared into his room. It was a silent agreement that when one cooked, the other would clean the table and put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, but I figured that like myself, Trowa was just trying to escape the tension.
That night I went to bed too early, only to have my lying awake for hours, thinking about things I didn’t really want to think about, before I fell asleep.
For a few days we seemed to be silently avoiding each other, but somehow things just got back to normal. That night in the park wasn’t mentioned anymore and the tension left the air, turning our lives back to normal as we got back in our routine. I set my all confused emotions aside, both those involving Duo and those involving Trowa, and concentrated on my job. I was starting to get bored with just being an assistant in science at the school. I felt like there had to be more than that for me. I had been at it for almost a year now, but it was already boring me. So I started to concentrate on thinking about what I really wanted with my life. I was still young, only twenty-three now, but I knew that if I were ever going to get a proper diploma, I was going to have to do it now.
I knew science was where I wanted to go and in the year I had been at the school now I had really enjoyed working with teenagers even though their hormones could drive me crazy now and then. However, it wasn’t until I noticed a kid not getting something and I started explaining it to him, that I realised just how much I really enjoyed doing that. Could it be that I...? No, that couldn’t be. There was no way I would be fit for teaching. I might know a lot about science and I might be able to get some people to understand it, but to actually become a teacher... Could I ever be one? I mean, all the teachers I’ve ever had were Odin and Dr. J. Not much of an example they made, right?
My science colleagues seemed to think different, though. One day during lunch they brought up the subject of becoming a teacher, asking me if it wouldn’t be something for me. I answered them that I really didn’t know if I could do that, but they told me I shouldn’t be so insecure. Then they started telling me about why they became teachers and somehow that feeling started to get to me. In-between classes, one of my colleagues quickly handed me some information about a teachers-education and he made me promise to at least look into it. I joked about him wanting to get rid of me that badly, but took the flyers anyway, already wondering what I was getting myself into.
Back at the apartment I put the flyers away in a drawer, deciding to think about it before even looking at them. I knew those things were supposed to be convincing, but I wasn’t about to let myself be intimidated that easily. If I were going to go trough with this, it would always be my choice, not the choice of the flyers or whoever made them. After all, it would probably affect a great deal of my life.
~*~
Christmas was coming up. That meant another celebration of another year without war. The religious story behind the celebration was almost completely gone by now as many people didn’t even know it was originally the celebration of the birth of the child Jesus Christ. It was now, more than ever though, a symbol of peace. Peace between the earth and the colonies, the first world war that had no religious background. That was Christmas, a celebration of unison and peace.
For me it meant much more than that though. It meant that someone I loved had been gone for another year. After Colony 199, Three years after Marimeilla, Relena Peacecraft was murdered on Christmas Eve at her own party. When she got out of the dark-blue limo she had exchanged her pink one for, she was hit in the chest twice by the bullets of an assassin. A few days later, said assassin was supposedly found dead somewhere in the dessert and the case was quickly closed, but I knew that man had not been the one firing. All my instincts told me that this man was not the killer.
The reasoning behind Relena’s death was possibly to get another war started, like what happened when the man I was named after, Heero Yuy, had been murdered. However, earth had proven herself stronger now and though there did seem to be some stirring here and there, the war was prevented by non other than the preventors themselves, with Sally Po leading the operations.
I had not been present at
Relena’s party that year. I was still with Duo back then and he had asked me
to spend this year’s Christmas solely with him and I had agreed to that. But
the moment I heard the news –I got a call from Zechs, going something like
‘Yuy, get your ass down here, Relena’s been shot’– I apologised to Duo
and was off. Relena truly was my first love and right now she was hurt and that
seemed more important to me than my lover whom I figured would understand.
Duo understood, or at least he tried to. He had never been all that fond of Relena; I guess he saw her as competition.
“I trust you, Heero, with all my heart and soul I trust you if you give me your word.” His mouth had said the words every time I’d explained to him that Relena was a special friend to me, but nothing compared to what he was, but his eyes always held doubt in them. Of course, when I confronted him with that it only ended in a fight where he said those all-familiar words that he trusted me, but not her. Of course, I never did see the logic in that. Sure, he could not trust her, he could think she would try to win me back –which she didn’t, neither of us wanted to be together like that anymore– but if he truly trusted me, he should have know I would turn her down for him always. I loved him, I truly did. More than anything in the world.
Relena didn’t survive the attack. I had a pretty hard time to deal with that. Everything from the war came back to me again, all the battles, all the fighting, all the death. It was a really hard time for me.
Duo helped me a great deal here. He suggested I’d go into counselling but that was one thing I’d refused. I told him I was afraid I’d end up telling someone about us being gundam pilots and thus betraying my friends, but he knew just as well as I did that it was more a matter of pride –so far I’d done everything by myself and I felt like I could become human by myself as well. So he’d decided to be my council, whether I liked it or not.
That didn’t work out. I couldn’t possibly tell him that he was starting to bother me as well. His concern was really very much appreciated, even though I never really showed it, but he just couldn’t understand what I could possibly have had with Relena.
This ended up in us growing apart too much, so AC 200 was the year we finally broke up. It was my call actually, I knew I broke Duo’s heart, but I just couldn’t be with him anymore when every time I looked into his eyes I thought I saw doubt of suspicion for all those years Relena had still been alive, all those times she wanted me to guard her when festivities were coming up, events that Duo wanted to spend with me.
I must be honest here, though. It wasn’t completely his fault as we were both in a relationship. I had given up that one Christmas as Relena’s bodyguard to be with Duo and I blamed myself for her death, because I felt like I should’ve been there to protect her. And in a way, unfair as it was, I unconsciously blamed Duo as well for claiming me. Of course, it wasn’t his fault that he wanted to spend time with me, I knew that, but somehow my mind always messed up when it came to those two, knowing Duo and Relena weren’t the best of friends.
So, Christmas was not a holyday I looked forward to. Last year I had felt pretty lonely since Trowa had to work extra with Christmas and I knew he had the same arrangement this time. He’d come home at 5 pm this Christmas and didn’t have to work with New Year. I, on the other hand, had the privilege of not having to work on any holyday since I worked at a school. Now if I were a teacher, I might have had to make tests for midterms, but since I was just an assistant I didn’t have to do anything in the vacations but relax.
Again I was alone with Christmas
and again Trowa would retire early that night once he did get there. Again
images of Relena came hunting me down like they had done every year, images of
her looking pretty, ending up with her looking dead. Zech’s voice as he had
sounded when I’d answered the phone that night. Images of Duo flashed before
my eyes as well, but still Relena’s pictures overshadowed his big time.
It happened four years ago, why couldn’t I get over it? I didn’t remember having it this bad last year, why now? The lustrum wasn’t until next year, all the psychological books I’d read said that human emotions should be worse with lustrums and round numbers.
Realising I didn’t feel like spending all afternoon mourning what I had lost as I had been doing all morning already, I decided to go out. When I passed the cinema I saw a large poster that said this week was the last chance to see the movie ‘Raging Fire’. It was only played in the afternoons, not at night anymore, since this was the last week. I glanced at my watch and saw I still had half an hour before the movie started. Sighing, I decided to go see it, unconsciously knowing I was just wondering what Duo would look like and how he performed.
Duo looked great in the movie, even on a big screen like that, even without wearing black. I knew he could look good in navy-blue as well as he had experimented with colours now and then when we were still together. Now he wore mostly that same colour of blue he preferred besides black, or he wore a jacket of some brown leather, matching the colour of his hair. He still had long hair neatly braided, but I saw that it was shorter now than it had been. When we broke up, the thing reached passed his buttocks, now the tip ended somewhere around the small of his back and I knew that it had to have been hard for him to loose that much. He did wear a small cross around his neck, but it wasn’t his own he wore.
I never would’ve guessed Duo would give up that much just for a career. But then again, that was showbiz I guess. Couldn’t be too picky there if you wanted to make it, or so I heard. Of course, Duo could have changed a lot, the last time I’d seen him was a few months after we broke up and he had looked really trying his best to hold himself together back then. I had just regarded it as a human way to aim for my pity, trying to win me back. I might sound harsh, but I knew that love was a complicated emotion and already I had seen Duo do things I never could have expected him to do when the war was still going on.
I didn’t remember much of the
actual movie afterwards; just the red line –which I realised, was a bit cliché.
Some crimes were committed and one of the best cops got to investigate. He was
assigned a new partner since his old one quit the job or got killed or something
–Duo had been in full view for the first time only moments before it was
explained why the guy got a new partner– and this new, young partner, Damien,
being played by Duo, turned out to be the mastermind behind the very crimes they
were investigating. It resulted in Damien getting arrested by his ex-partner who
was taken to the hospital after being shot by some henchmen.
It was four o’clock when I walked out of the cinema and I decided to head straight home. Trowa would be back in about an hour and besides, I had obviously taken the wrong position in the cinema-chairs as now my neck was stiff an aching from sitting in that position for too long.
Trowa arrived ten minutes early and we started making supper together, much like we had done last year.
“It’s times like these I really enjoy my job.” Trowa informed me in his calm voice. I knew how important his job was to him and it were times like these when he would actually talk about it that had made that fact clear to me. Though it weren’t his words that convinced me of his devotion, it was everything around it, the tone he used, the dreamy look that got in his eyes as he remembered the day.
“The sparkles in the children’s eyes when they watch us play and sing and the smiles of appreciation the parents throw at us when were done, the words they use to express their thankfulness that you sacrificed your holidays to give it to their children, that’s when you know you’re actually helping people.”
He said something similar each time he had to work on a public holiday, almost as if he was apologising to me for not being here when he knew the loneliness I felt so often, for he had felt it before as well.
When he got to our desert, he
decided to elaborate a little this evening, though. “At the circus I was just
entertaining those who were willing to spend their time and money to be
entertained, but in the hospital, those children have nothing else. Instead of
applause you get so much more. With all the people I’ve killed during the war,
this feels like atonement for my sins.”
Atonement for his sins. He meant what he said, he really meant it. I didn’t even have to look at him to know that. I was glad for him that he had finally found what he was looking for.
Trowa started cleaning the table and I got up to help him. We put everything in the dishwasher and he set the timer for later that night when the water and electricity was less expensive. I sat myself down in front of the television and checked if there was going to be something good on tonight. We settled on the peace-speech that would come at 8 and a film that started half an hour later.
The film was rather cliché but there wasn’t much else on really. I shifted my body often, trying to find a better position for my neck, which was still hurting. When the film was over, Trowa put our dirty glasses in the kitchen as I rubbed my neck to try and ease the pain.
“Sore neck?” I felt Trowa’s eyes on me as he stood in the door opening of the kitchen, watching me.
“Yeah, it’s stiff. I
probably sat in the wrong position at the movies.”
I imagined one eyebrow going up
slightly as I heard his footsteps come closer. “Take off your shirt.” He
ordered me.
I took off my shirt and started a bit when his cold hands touched my skin. He felt around a bit before he settled on the centre of my pain. He pressed softly. “There?” I answered positive and bent my head a little as he started massaging. I never knew he was that good! He moved his hands ever so careful, making sure I could keep tracks of both his hands. I closed my eyes and let Trowa do the work.
I thought back at the movie and my thoughts ended up with Duo and his idea of atonement. After the war he had had troubles with himself in the beginning, saying that there was no way he could ever repay society for all the lives he had taken, even if they were the lives of oz-soldiers. Most soldiers, like Marquise, were young and full of ideals just like he was, thinking they could fight evil, save the world and become heroes. But unlike Marquise and unlike Duo, most of those eighteen-year-olds had died believing that. Duo had found it hard to give up his name as God of death when all he had to do was look around and see how people were trying their best to rebuild what he had helped destroy.
Truth be told, I had my share of troubles back then myself. I never believed I would survive the war and thus I never bothered to think of what was beyond. I was a soldier, Duo a child of survival. I needed him to teach me how to live in peace and he needed me to keep him from going crazy. The peace drove us right into each other’s arms.
I could see Duo again, I could feel his breath in my neck, feel how his hands roamed over my back in a passionate way as he always tried to seduce me when he wanted to make love to me. There was one problem that arose in our relationship, we both preferred being on top, but we always managed to work it out. We would manage to work It out this time, if he kept going on like that, he could be top as much as he wanted because whatever he was doing, it felt better than I remembered it.
The hands slowly made their way down and now I could feel hot breath on my ears as the source whispered something about ‘payback time’. My mind raced over memories to see what he wanted payback for, but the hands distracted me as images of his braid floating around him as it had always done when we were on a ship in outer space.
The person massaging me had moved in front of me now and was teasing my chest as if exploring it. Duo moved his hands with expertise I never knew he had and I threw my head back just to enjoy. I forced myself to control my breath as even with my eyes closed I could see him. I could see his hands move over my chest, I could see how he was knelt down in front of me, I could see how his gazes was concentrated on his hands and how his eyes, those beautiful violet orbs were watching me, scanning me for my reaction when he tilted his head and his breath came up with it. I opened my eyes to gave him a look of approval and unexpected, I saw no violet, but green...
Trowa?
He must’ve seen my reaction for his hands stopped immediately. Nevertheless I roughly shoved away the unexpected visitor, not caring how he fell backwards against the table and not once looking back to see if he was alright as I got up and stalked towards my room.
For a moment there I believed Duo was back and my heart told me that everything would be alright. Duo had been my first love, one that would never leave me, but to see green when violet was expected, how could I have made such mistake? Duo was gone, he had a life without me and even if he came back it wouldn’t work. Duo would still be jealous and afraid whenever I wanted to befriend someone else and I knew I could never live with that. Duo and I were history, there was no way things would ever get right between us again, too much had happened.
That is what I kept telling myself over and over and even when half an hour later I got I went to bed, I had to repeat it to myself one more time before I could fall asleep.
~*~
When I woke up the next morning, Trowa had already gone to work and I guess I was grateful for that. However, I did understand that this time we could not avoid each other, or let the awkwardness continue like it had last time, hoping it would be over soon. Tonight I would have to have a talk with Trowa, for I was pretty certain that otherwise we wouldn’t be able to live together as roommates anymore.
I found the perfect opportunity when I found him on his bed that evening the door slightly ajar, something that rarely happened, tending to the wound I caused by making him fall back. He was lithe and could easily reach the end of his bruise that went from his side to his back, but he couldn’t really see it there. So I walked up to him and took the ointment from him, placing one knee on the bed, facing his body and carefully I began to tend to the wound as he let me.
Cursing the awkwardness, I decided to speak up.
“Sorry I caused this
yesterday.” I tried to sound as if I meant it, which I did, but my voice was
monotone as ever, indicating that I was unsure of how to deal with it.
“It’s fine.” He said, just as emotionless as I suspected I’d sounded. I put the salve on the bruise and carefully started spreading it, when suddenly out of the blue he asked that question. “You were expecting Duo last night?”
I paused for a moment, suddenly confused, but then I continued. “Yes”
But Trowa didn’t stop there, curiosity had obviously gotten to him. “Any reason for thinking of him yesterday?”
I sighed, deciding that after my reaction yesterday I at least owed him some explanation. He was suspecting something anyway so I might just as well brief him of where I’d been before he came back. “He plays in a movie now.”
“Yeah, I heard about it. Something with fire... screaming fire?”
“Raging fire.” He nodded in recognition.
As I was done with his wound, he pulled his shirt back on and walked to his desk, where he got some dart arrows out of a drawer. He closed his door so that the dartboard was visible and stood next to where I still sat on the bed and started to throw the arrows.
I had given him that board for his birthday last year, or at least the day he celebrated his birthday, April eighteenth, a month before the mercenaries had found him. Catherine had said that her brother was born on March 31st and had tried to convince Trowa to change his birthday to that day, but he had refused, saying he was used to this one now.
I had known he’d wanted that board, and I also knew he would be surprised, for he hadn’t expected me to remember his birthday anymore. He was really thankful for the board though, he had been watching it in the sports store and I knew he was uncertain if he should spend his money on a thing as such, which he most likely wouldn’t use much anymore after a few weeks of fun. So when his gaze fell on it for the thirtieth time or so, I decided it would make the perfect birthday gift.
We’d played it together a few times and he found that with those arrows it was harder to hit the target than when he used knives, since it was a whole new technique of throwing he had to use. For me the technique was just as new, but still I couldn’t defeat Trowa so after a while I gave up on playing with him to win and instead decided to play for fun.
“I went to see the movie yesterday.” I finally answered to his previous question of why I was thinking of Duo.
He threw an arrow. Triple twenty. “Oh?” The next arrow flew. Tripple twenty. “Was it any good?” last arrow flew. Triple nineteen.
“Had some good special effects, but the story wasn’t much.” He handed me the arrows and I took his place
“Was Duo any good?” Missed.
“Guess so.” Twenty.
“Did he catch the bad guy?” Triple one. Damn it
I handed him the arrows.
“He was the bad guy.” One.
“Surprise, surprise.” Triple twenty.
“Yeah.” Twenty.
We dropped the subject there and played four games while speaking very little, concentrating on the game. He was lucky it was his left side that had bumped into the table or it would have hindered his game. Not that he wouldn’t have won all four games anyway.
~*~
The
holidays went by fast. For new year we were invited at a colleague’s party,
who had invited family, friends, colleagues and many more I doubted even he
knew. The reason he threw the party was because he would hit the fifty on
January first, so he had arranged for a lot of fire works, a big place to fit
everyone and a lot of food as well. Performances were done by his family and
friends about his life.
The
man was a chemistry teacher at our school, so the chemistry staff had a little
performance as well, in which one man played him as a child in school, one
played him as a teacher who stood in front of the class for the first time, one
played him as he was now and one played him as he would be when he was retired.
At the time they weren’t playing him they were playing to be either (fellow)
students or, in the first case, one man played his teacher. Trowa and I lingered
around the teachers mostly, since they were the only ones I knew.
It
began to snow in the first week of January and when school started again, the
snow still covered the ground and was slowly coming down again that Wednesday
she turned up at my doorstep, when I opened the door.
Even
though I hadn’t seen her since that night I walked in on her cheating on me, I
recognized her immediately. She didn’t look exactly the same as when we
separated, though. She’d died the ends of her long, brown hair blond and the
coat she wore was so different from the one she wore in the summer. This one
made her look fat. She barely wore any make-up, though she never really did
overdo it anyway. She also seemed smaller to me, but that might be because she
wore snow boots now instead of the heels she wore last time we were together.
Ellie.
She
looked as if she was scared to be here, scared to be rejected, to be left
outside in the cold. That was exactly what I was planning to do. She couldn’t
be with me because I take interest in more than just girls, why should she even
come to me now? But before I could tell her that, she spoke up.
“I
see you recognize me, Heero, please don’t turn me away.” There was something
in her voice that told me she had been practicing that line. “I have something
important to tell you.”
Something
important? After everything? Could she be trying to get me back? If that were
the case I might just as well get it over with before she wasted both her time
and mine.
“Your
life is not important to me anymore.” I gave her a cold stare and stepped
backwards to close the door.
She
hurried her answer. “This isn’t just my life, it’s yours too!”
I
blinked and gave her a suspicious look. What was the woman brawling about? Then
I saw her hand moving for her stomach as she started to make small circles on
her coat. That’s when I saw that she wasn’t just fat. She looked pregnant!
That
was exactly what she told me. “And it’s yours, Heero. Mine and yours.”
This wasn’t right, this couldn’t be right. We’d always had safe sex, I
used condoms and she took the pill. Okay, so the condom tore once, but for me it
was more a way to prevent illnesses from spreading than to keep her from getting
pregnant. After all, I suspected J of making me sterile.
I
glared at her as she started explaining that she was 6 months now and that it
had happened that time the condom tore and that he had forgotten the pill two
days before. She also informed me that she had all the paperwork ready for me to
sign about alimony and I could even visit the child and all the while I just
gave her a blank stare while she stood in the hallway, trying to get me to
believe her.
“I
want proof that I am the father.” Heero glared at the girl who’d finally
stopped talking. However, she started again as she responded to that.
“You
are the father, Heero. Who else could it be?”
“Luke.
Maybe someone else I never knew about?” I knew I was being cold, but I
didn’t care. I didn’t believe her anyway.
“There
was only Luke, Heero, and only that time. I knew I was pregnant when I slept
with him, that’s why I slept with him, so that I could make him believe he was
the father and so that I didn’t have to dump this on you.”
I
raised an eyebrow.
“It’s
true, Heero. Why would I lie to you about this? You’re twenty-three, I’m
twenty-two, I’m still in college,
how do you think you were going to afford this? Luke’s twenty-eight, he had a
job that paid well and had a fine career ahead of him. I was scared, Heero, so I
wanted to make him believe that he was the father. I knew he only used my sister
to get to me and when I blew him off he took her instead. But he always wanted
me and whenever you weren’t around or my sister wasn’t there he would come
to me to try and seduce me! I know it was stupid, but I gave in because I was
afraid of what you would do if you knew and how you could support us!”
By
then I was sure she was lying. She never used my name that much unless she was
not telling the whole truth.
“Why
did you abandon your plan to fake Luke?” I asked, hoping to draw her into a
corner.
“Heero,”
she whispered. Again, she said my name. “Luke’s dead. Got killed in a car
accident. A drunk driver hit him.”
Luke
was dead, or so she said. I didn’t know what to believe anymore, but I
wasn’t really sorry for Luke’s death, even if it were true. He was a good
guy, he never even hinted to me that he was after his fiancé’s younger
sister, he had indeed a proper job and he didn’t even have a speed ticket on
his name.
Ellie
started about the papers again, but I just glared at her, stubbornly keeping my
foot down, telling her I wanted a test to prove that I was the father. I was
never one to give in to the word of someone else, especially not those who had
deceived me before. Then she got angry, saying that if I didn’t trust her
word, I wasn’t worthy of seeing our child. She was going to say more, but
decided to turn away instead and after informing me I couldn’t get the
confirmation I wanted, she left.
So
now I was the bad guy? I knew a father had responsibilities and I knew that if I
were the father, I would want to take them, but since I always suspected that I
was not capable of ever conceiving children I wanted to be sure I was the father
before I signed any agreement claiming my fatherhood.
That
night, Trowa noticed I wasn’t my normal self. I wondered how he knew. I was
silent, yes, but neither of us was much of a speaker. Maybe it was just my
expression or something. I didn’t bother pondering on how he knew, though. I
was still thinking about what would happen if I were the baby’s father. As I
mentioned before, I had suspicions but as long as they were not confirmed, there
was no certainty.
When
Trowa spoke up, I heard hesitation in his voice, as if he was unsure whether or
not to invade my privacy. I ignored the fact however, as I silently debated
whether or not I should tell him. Finally I answered him with a question of my
own, surprising even myself by that.
“Are
you sterile?”
I
was looking at my hands at the time I asked the question and for a moment I
couldn’t help but picture Trowa gaping at me like Duo had done the first time
I’d asked him a personal question –whether or not he was still a virgin. But
when I looked up I saw Trowa looking at me as if he was trying to spot something
abnormal in me.
I
didn’t know what awkward look I was giving him, but he finally leaned back on
the couch.
“I
don’t think so.” He didn’t ask why I asked, didn’t ask whether or not I
was that, because he knew that if I’d wanted to tell him that, I would. We
rarely asked.
Then
I realized he had asked it less then a minute ago, when he wanted to know if I
was alright. Countering a question with another question was something one would
do to try and control the situation. I didn’t know why I realized that, it
didn’t really matter. What mattered was, did I want to let him in on it or
not?
After
half a day’s worth of thinking I decided I wanted to be absolutely certain.
That meant that I wanted to be tested and I wanted the baby to be tested as
well. I would have to get in touch with the hospital and sooner or later I would
have to go down there and let them run tests. Trowa would find out anyway. I’d
learned from my relationship with Duo that you can’t hide much for one
another, even if you are only living together nothing more. Telling him now
seemed like the most logical solution, as he would most likely not believe it if
I told him I was fine. He would accept it, but remain suspicious.
“Ellie
stopped by today.” I offered him, half expecting him to act surprised of even
ask questions. But he didn’t and that’s what I liked about him. Unlike Duo,
Trowa never pressured me for details, at least not with words. His look was
enough of an encouragement for me to give him specifics, but it also told me
that it was my decision just how specific I would be or in what area I would
elaborate.
“She’s
pregnant. Says it’s mine.”
He
narrowed his visible eye and probably his other one as well, but never took it
off me. “And you think you are sterile?”
“Yes.”
Almost
unnoticeably, he gripped the couch a bit harder, just a second, before he let
go.
“Will
you have it tested?”
“Yes.”
For
a moment he looked thoughtful, as if considering his next words. Then he finally
decided what he was going to say and his eye focuses on me again. “If you want
I can get you legal advise from...”
“I
know I have the right to know whether or not this child is mine.” I cut him
off. He hadn’t spoken to Quatre in more than a year. If I wanted advise from
him, I would go and ask myself, Quatre would be willing to help me out. There
was no need in forcing Trowa to contact his ex-lover again. “I will force her
if I must.”
He
nodded at my answer, showing he agreed with my decision and I saw a note of
thankfulness in his blank stare.
We
didn’t say much more that evening, but I felt relieved that he knew and
didn’t react badly to it.
The
next day I immediately went into action. I checked the computer to find files
about a car crash and Luke’s death, and discovered that at least that part was
true, Luke had died November 27th. I called Ellie to tell her I still
wanted that test, but she didn’t answer the phone. I knew she hadn’t moved
yet, but she could have taken another number. I tried mailing her, calling her
parents, calling her sister, hacking her e-mail even to see what I could find.
But she responded to nothing.
That
was when I decided to call the police. No longer could only mothers demand a
DNA-test, potential fathers could as well as long as you could prove you’d
been together within the year of the child’s conception. I could prove that
easily by the data still stored in several computers of places we’d visited.
Our eye-scans were even still in the computer that was connected to the picture
box in the mall where we had pictures made of us together one time.
And
forcing her is exactly what I did. She must’ve looked pretty funny when the
police arrived on her doorstep to escort her to the hospital. She didn’t get
to talk to me, but entered a room right away. The procedure had been explained
to me, they would bring some sort of scope inside her, it would reach the womb,
search for the fetus and get a sample. The scope was so small and carried a
small bag of some chemical fluids that would make sure the water wouldn’t
break and the child would be unharmed.
I
was tense the night before the tests would be taken and Trowa noticed it. I had
been sitting at my laptop, finding the TV unable to drone out the thoughts of
the next day. Yet now the sounds irritated me as I could somehow not manage to
tune them out. I gritted my teeth as I got out of the chair and started pacing
behind the couch, not caring that I might be annoying Trowa.
Only
when I heard his commanding voice saying my name did I stop to glare at him for
no particular reason.
“Sit
down.” He commanded me and I obeyed. It was then that I realized he’d turned
off the TV and was looking at me, waiting for me to speak. When I didn’t, his
eyebrow was draw downwards.
“What
if the child is yours?” he voiced the thought I’d been having all along. I
knew the chances were slim, judging my suspicions, her reaction when I said
I’d wanted tests and her avoidance of me. But then again, chances of all five
gundam pilots surviving the war had been as close to nothing as one could get
and yet we were all still breathing.
Yet
now that the question was voiced out loud, it seemed so much more of an issue,
it scared me. What was I to do with a child? Would I have to go back to Ellie,
would I just have to pay for it and never see it or should I get visitation
rights of some sort? It had been my fault, so wasn’t it my responsibility as
well?
Ellie
would show up, either by herself or escorted by someone. I would see her again,
we would have to wait for the results. I didn’t want to feel this scared, so
out of control. It made me feel vulnerable and if there was anything I didn’t
like it was feeling vulnerable. Why, oh why, did I have to be in this damn mess?
I
glared at the table as Trowa’s question rung in my ears, trying my best to
find an answer. But the past days hadn’t offered me a simple solution. There
was no simple calculation I could do here to see what would happen, would this
child be mine. I’d much rather not think about it, but I knew that sooner or
later I would have to face facts and it was always better to be prepared for
either way.
“If
it’s mine I’ll...” do what is necessary? Find a way? Work it out? Neglect
it? Think about it then? I honestly didn’t know. I dug my nails into the palm
of my hand and gritted my teeth again.
“Damn
it!”
I
got up from the couch with so much force that it was shoved backwards a bit.
Trowa watched from the other couch as I started pacing a little again before I
let myself fall back down. I felt tired, didn’t want to think of this but I
couldn’t force it out of my mind either. It was there and its presence as so
clear that all I had still left from my previous training was not enough to push
it aside.
I
hadn’t even noticed Trowa getting up, but suddenly he stood in front of me,
holding a glass of water for me to take. I felt like slamming the glass out of
his hand, but decided against it since there was many electricity in this little
apartment. The water could do serious damage. So instead I took it, drank a bit
and just held it in my hand as I sat pushed my back from the couch, leaning
forward.
Trowa
remained silent, maybe knowing that his opinion and advice was unwanted, maybe
simply unsure of what to say. I didn’t really pay attention to him anyway. I
was trying to evaluate all options. In the past few days I’d learned a lot
about cases like these, read about them, researched them.
Say
that the child was mine, first the facts. Ellie would have the government force
me to pay. That was all she could do, though. I could simply pay, give up my
rights and have her deal with it. I myself had grown up without parents, Odin
Lowe was the closest I got to a father, but it had been all I knew. It had never
bothered me much, I had always known I wasn’t like other children anyway.
But
what would that child think about it? Would it be enough to only have one parent
in this world? I saw enough children at school from whom I knew the parents ere
divorced or one of the two was dead. They were still alive, had friends, enjoyed
the world. This child Ellie was carrying would end up just fine without me. I
knew that if it weren’t mine, I would let Ellie handle it herself. I didn’t
want her back in my life, that much I was sure about.
But
was neglecting it existed just the easy way out? As much as I didn’t want to
be involved, if this child somehow turned out be mine, would I not one day begin
to wonder what happened to it? Whether it was male or female, whether it looked
like me? Was that all just stuff people made up to have a good story or a good
movie or was that actually real? I had never been one for emotions, but I
couldn’t imagine what I would think or feel if I ever had children. I’d
always figured, since I thought I couldn’t have them naturally, I wouldn’t
have them at all. Besides, there had always been as much chance I’d end up
spending a lifetime with a male as spending it with a female.
Duo
and I’d talked about it once, but he was clear on the fact that as much as he
loved children, he never wanted to have kids. A cat, yes. A dog, maybe. But
kids? He’d figured that with his history he’d never make a good father.
Besides, he enjoyed the pleasures kids could give you, but they also came with
so much trouble and he didn’t want to have to deal with it.
I’d
been happy back then that he’d made that decision so easily and I had never
questioned it, not really expecting kids myself. And now this came.
My
thoughts shifted back from Duo to Ellie and anger dwelled up inside of me as I
thought of how I’d found her that summer day and how I wondered if she’d
already been pregnant then or if she’d just set it into motion.
Suddenly
I became aware of a sharp pain in my hand, followed by coldness that touched my
leg trough my pants. Surprised as I was, I jerked my hand backwards and let out
a gasp, trying to stifle it by biting on my lower lip. I glanced at the hand
that had held a glass of water only minutes ago, only to find that it was now
empty, save for that one piece of glass that got stuck in my hand.
Trowa
had been alarmed by my sudden movement and the sound of breaking glass. I heard
him rummaging in the kitchen, probably trying to find a first aid box, as I was
still looking over the damage. My hand was bleeding there where the piece of
glass stuck out and on two other places where it had obviously his a sharp edge.
Part of the glass had bounced off my leg and onto the floor where it had
scattered into more pieces. Splinters
lay on the part of my pants wetted by the remaining water that had still been in
the glass before I had squeezed t too hard. But luckily, as far as I could feel
and see, non of it had made it trough the fabric and into my leg. I’d have to
be careful with my movements though. It could still get trough to my skin and
further. Besides, the floor near my feet was covered as well.
Trowa
came back, opened the first aid kid and placed it on the table from where I took
it. He eyes the damage for a moment before he disappeared again –no doubt
finding something to get rid of the glass– and I began working on my hand,
pulling out the glass, cleaning the wound, making sure my hand was empty of
splinters and such before I started bandaging it. Trowa had meanwhile cleaned up
the floor and I felt how he brushed against my leg. I stared at him for a
moment, watching how he cleaned my pants of the small pieces, careful not to
push anything trough the fabric. I started bandaging my hand and moments later,
his touch left me, the cold place on my leg feeling even colder.
He
returned, though and sat down next to me, taking my hand in his as he started
unwrapping half of the bandage. I raised an eyebrow at him as if to complain
that I had not been that sloppy, but he ignored it. He re-bandaged it, but
didn’t let go immediately. His fingers lingered on the white fabric for a
while as he softly traced the edges. When his skin touched mine, ever so light,
I felt a shiver run trough my body and looked up in his eyes.
His
eyes seemed to avoid me at first, but when they found me, they locked me. I felt
how our heads started moving closer together and my mind was already remembering
that night in the park, when I’d felt the softness of his lips, tasted him and
I wanted to taste it again. But right before our lips touched, both of us
stopped moving in further. I felt our breaths mingle and wasn’t sure whether
it was his heat I felt or my own, bouncing right off him. I looked into his
emerald eye as I felt how my name came from his lips.
“Heero.”
“Yes?”
I hissed back softly.
“It’s
bound to happen sooner or later.” I knew exactly what he was talking about, I
saw it in his eyes, felt it all over my body. I wanted him, needed him and
he’d just confessed he wanted the same.
“So
true.” I answered, before my lips found his.
~*~
“Does
this mean we’re a ‘couple’ now?” Trowa and I had just had some hot sex.
It was good, had been stress-relieving, but I wondered if that was just it or if
maybe it was more than that? I liked him, but was I really in love with him?
Could I fall in love with him, Would he fall in love with me? Of course, those
questions only appeared after the act.
“I
don’t know.” Was his silent answer. “Do you want us to be?”
“I
don’t know.”
~*~
The
next morning, Trowa had already gone to work, so I woke up in his bed, alone.
Groaning I got up, put the sheets in the washing machine and prepared myself for
the trip to the hospital.
When
I arrived there, Ellie was nowhere to be seen. That wasn’t surprising since
that appointment wasn’t due for a couple of hours, first I’d get my test to
see whether or not I was really sterile. Then I’d decided to eat lunch at the
hospital, only to wait for Ellie to show up for her tests.
I
caught a brief glance of her before she walked into a room, guided by a doctor.
She almost looked scared, but I had a hard enough time controlling my own
emotions, let alone worrying about hers.
When
she was done, she was told that she could either wait in the hospital or have
the results later. She chose to wait and sat down by me, silently sobbing. She
asked me again why I had to do this, why I couldn’t trust her on her word and
I told her about my suspicions. She asked me then if it was a lie when I told
her I might one day somehow have wanted children, but it wasn’t. The option of
adoption was still open for me.
I also
told her that if I weren’t the father, I never wanted to see her again.
When
the doctor returned with the results, he showed the proof that I was not the
father. Ellie was crying even harder now, but I didn’t even feel sorry for her
and her lies. Pity, perhaps, was a better word, but not sorry. Not after she
tried to get money from me for a child that wasn’t my fault.
I
was relieved too, as if a huge weight fell from my body, knowing this child
would not be my responsibility.
Then
an other doctor arrived to talk to me about the tests I’d had a few hours
earlier to see if what I suspected J of was correct. It was, I had been
‘damaged’ so far that I would never be able to have children of my own. I
didn’t really feel much when that news came to me, I had, after all, always
suspected it, but it did keep me silent as the doctor spoke his regrets before
moving on to his next patient. By that time Ellie had already left the room,
hopefully to never show her face to me again.
I
briefly told Trowa the results that night, but we didn’t discuss it. Not
talking suited me just fine as it always did, though I was glad to have Trowa in
the house now. The music he played in his room that night relaxed me and took my
mind off my worries.
Surprisingly
enough, Trowa touched my shoulder briefly that night before he went to sleep.
~*~
By
the time all this was over and Ellie was out of my life for good it was late
February. The weather started to change here on earth as the spring was drawing
nearer. One day it was above 10 degrees Celsius, the next day it was freezing.
One day there were hard winds and heavy rainfall, the next day merely had some
lost raindrops drifting down.
The
flu reigned the school and even I was coming down with a cold, but with
Trowa’s expertise in making hot tea, which I suspected he had learned from
Quatre, I managed to fight it off before it could get too serious. And that was
a good thing, because coming march we had a school trip planned for our science
students. They would go to a film set where they would be shown how with the use
of technology special effects were created. And I was invited along.
Trowa
and I were getting closer as well. The hot tea he made me seemed more that just
tea now, especially since he sat down next to me, leaning into me slightly. We
were broth trying to figure out how much we felt for each other now by these
simple gestures, simple things as touching. We knew it went beyond mere
friendship, but was it enough to be called love? I had my doubts at work, when I
was trying to evaluate our relationship, but all I had to do was look him in the
eyes and all the previous doubts somehow just seemed to melt away. It was the
fact that I was unsure of what he felt that, in the beginning at least, kept me
from just kissing him each evening when I came home.
At
first at least, because one day I just couldn’t hold myself back anymore. When
I was in the kitchen preparing dinner and I heard him come home, I felt a pang
of regret that I could not see him immediately because I had to finish cooking
or we would be ordering take-out tonight. That was when I knew it, I’d missed
him, wanted to see him, wanted to kiss him, make him mine. I’d grown to love
that silent man that one day, about fourteen months ago, after years, had showed
up at my doorstep and I wanted him to love me back.
My
lips sealed his that night, declaring my love for him and he answered it by
passionately kissing it back. We ended up ordering take out after all, since by
the time we realized we were hungry, dinner had already gone cold.
And
that’s how we ended up together.
~T. B. C.~